A Little Pair of Scissors, A Big Difference

Friday morning at 8:25 is my favorite time of every week. In fact I do my best to be right on time, if not just a few minutes late to work, to ensure that I catch StoryCorp on my ride. If you’re not familiar with StoryCorp, it’s a venue for people to tell vignettes of their lives. Imagine two people walking into a booth and sharing a meaningful story from their past for two or so minutes. It seems like such a simple concept, but it’s so moving. Often bringing a tear to my eye or prodding me to immediately text my best friend (after I’ve safely parked, of course), and loyal StoryCorp listener, to say how much I loved the story.

This morning at 8:25 was no different.

A simple concept: haircuts.

A man who everyone calls Dreamer offers haircuts to Veterans in a trailer in the parking lot outside the VA in Los Angeles. Over the past year or so, he’s acquired an apprentice of sorts, a vet Paul Crowley. Crowley, a former client, says to Dreamer, “I was totally out of hope. And part of that was the way I looked. I hadn't shaved in a couple of weeks; my hair was filthy and scraggly… But getting the haircut made me feel, for lack of a better word, 'normal' — which I hadn't in a long, long time.”

After hearing this story, my brain jumped to a passage in the book Sex God by Rob Bell (Don’t worry, it’s not risqué at all. Quite the opposite, in fact).

He recounts a story of a British Colonel who is part of a team that liberates a Nazi concentration camp in Germany. In his diary, the Colonel paints a picture of the despair and terror of the camp that we’re all too familiar with. But then he starts talking about how a big box of lipstick arrived:

: This was not at all what we wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don’t know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadulterated brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips… At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no longer merely the number tattooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity.

It’s just a haircut and lipstick, but is it? Bad hair days, or weeks, or months send me into a funk, that’s for sure. And I can totally understand the refreshing feeling of getting a haircut. Besides being enjoyable, it does make you feel better, more put together, like yourself.

It’s no different for the women at Serenity Place. In fact all of those positive feelings associated with haircuts, or feeling comfortable in your own body, are probably enhanced due to their backgrounds. You’ve heard many of our women’s stories, so you know that for these women, living in active addiction has been nothing short of hell on earth. Bell describes a living hell as “void of any love or peace or beauty or meaning.” Living such a life puts a lot of things on your mind, but not haircuts, or self-care.

A couple months ago we highlighted a loving and committed volunteer, Karen Patel, who by day is a stylist at To Dye For, a local salon. By night, she’s a dose of humanity for the women at Serenity Place. She serves our women by making them feel normal and beautiful again. She teaches them to care for themselves again. And like most stylists, she becomes a great friend.

It’s not just a haircut and lipstick. Not at all. For our clients it’s a little step towards a makeover, not just in terms of appearance, but in terms of life.

The Parable of the Rat Trap

A rat residing in the walls of a farmer’s house decided to take a peek through a hole in the wall. What he saw was the farmer and his wife opening a package. At first, he was excited, hoping for a nice surprise. It shocked him to learn that the package carried a rat trap. Panicked, he calls a meeting to gather all of the farm animals and shares the horrifying news, “There’s a rat trap in the house!”

The chicken, goat, and cow listened. They all understood how scared the rat was, but they offered no comfort. The chicken replied, “Rat, I’m sorry there’s a rat trap in the house, but I’m not sure what this has to do with me. Have you ever heard of a chicken getting caught in a rat trap?”

Hearing the rat’s cries, the goat offered more sympathy, but said, “I’m sorry you’re concerned, but there’s nothing I can do but pray for you. Take care.”

The cow simply replied, “Why am I here? I’m too big for that rat trap, it’s not for me,” and walked off.

Later that evening a loud “pap!” was heard throughout the farm. The farmer’s wife went to check the trap, but it was dark, so she could not see that a venomous snake was stuck in the trap, not a rat. The snake bit her.

The farmer rushed his wife to the doctor. She returned home with a high fever. The doctor prescribed chicken soup, so the farmer went out to the yard and brought back the main ingredient for the soup. Despite the soup, the wife’s conditions got worse. Neighbors and friends were constantly dropping by to keep her company. In order to show his gratitude, and make sure the visitors didn’t get hungry, the farmer then butchered the goat. Eventually the wife died and many people attended her funeral. The farmer then slaughtered the cow to prepare a feast for the family and guests.

You might be thinking that it’s a great story, but what does it have to do with The Family Effect? Substitute the rat trap in the story for addiction in our community and you’ll get the picture. Addiction in one home can lead to a whole host of problems in our community. It can almost promise more cases of domestic or sexual assault, child abuse and neglect, and children living with someone other than their parents. Addiction in the home is a bottle neck issue that uproots families. Take it out and our community starts to look whole again.

Join us in our mission to reduce addiction as a leading cause of family collapse and harm to children.

Garden Raps

Here's a rap about our organic garden at The Academy written by two of our students:

Yo, where'd you find this son?

We got squash, kale, broccoli, and beans!

Ms. Kelly is the woman cause she always goes green!

Spiders, worms, and the lady bugs,

all help the garden cause they are some thugs!

So go and eat healthy,

yes, kids eat your veggies,

cause the kids on the block always want to eat spaghetti.

So as this ends always remember

that gardens are the best

and veggies are the best.

YES!!

We've got another compelling volunteer story for you, this time from Melody Nadeau, a fabulous supporter of our mission. Here's what she has to say:

Volunteering for the first time can be a little intimidating, just not knowing what to expect, but when you get there (Serenity Place) you really get that feeling of being a part of something bigger. Then before you know it, you get to see something pretty amazing. That’s progress. While playing on the playground it’s a four year old telling you proudly (after he shoots you with his Spider-Man web) that, “I’m not crying after my mommy today,” when just two months ago he wouldn’t leave his mothers side when “the babysitters” came. Or a 15 month old reaching for you while smiling and laughing, then later falling asleep in your arms in the rocker when, just two weeks prior, he and his mom first arrived he wouldn’t go to anyone willingly. And seeing a young mom do the robot dance to a Mickey Mouse cartoon on TV with her two young kids when months ago she may not have even had a presence in their lives because of her addiction.

One evening one of the moms asked me and another volunteer, “Why are you here? I mean do you have to be or is it because you want to?” She seemed so surprised that it was of our own free will that we were there. For many of these ladies consistency, reliability, and the simple act of caring are not something that they’ve experienced often in their lives. That is something I want them to get from my volunteering, my regular presence just because I want to.

When you care for others, you share the gift of hope. And progress combined with hope makes for a better tomorrow for everyone!

Guest Blogger: Steph Smith

At The Family Effect we love to hear great stories from great volunteers about the time they spend with us, and even more so, we love to share those stories with others! This week is Volunteer Appreciation Week and one of our volunteers, Steph Smith, was kind enough to send us some of her thoughts on her service with The Family Effect:

My name is Steph Smith, President of VOICES For All. I provide free, confidential support groups for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Volunteering at Serenity Place is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. When women come to my group and confide in me, wanting to heal and understand, there is no better feeling than being able to talk with them and guide them through their trauma. They are so appreciative, trying so hard to change their lives and be better mothers to their children. They not only want to heal themselves but they want to know how to protect their children against the same pain they had to endure. On so many occasions they have cried, releasing some of the built up anger and suffering from their past. I could never explain the feeling of being able to listen to them, having the honor of simply being present for them. I learn more from them than they could ever learn from me. These are women who are asking for and reaching out for help. They are incredibly strong and sometimes do not realize it. They do not give up on hope. How many of us can say the same?

The staff at Serenity Place is absolutely wonderful, kind, and supportive in every way. If you are interested in volunteering at Serenity Place, please, don't hesitate any longer. The women are reaching out for help and the ripple effect you start will never end. You will literally be helping generations to heal and be happier.

To learn more about volunteer opportunities with The Family Effect, check out our volunteer page.

The Fridge: Employee Spotlight

In conjunction with our new initiative to bring you the loveliest art work from our little ones at Serenity Place, The Fridge, we want to share the spotlight with some of our valuable employees who make it possible for our kids to make such masterpieces. This month we talked with Ms. Sally Duncan, the lead teacher in the Toddler room.

When Daniel* first arrived at Serenity Place he was withdrawn and shy. He wouldn’t talk. He kept his head down. This is typical behavior for a three year old with his background.

As soon as the music came on, though, Daniel smiled.

“The best part of my job is getting to see a child make that transformation,” explains Ms. Sally, the lead teacher in the Toddler room, and, not to mention Employee of the Quarter. Many of our children come from homes where addiction is present. As a result, these children are often neglected and don’t receive the proper attention necessary for healthy brain development. They don’t know what to do with a book or a box of crayons, and they certainly aren’t ready for mainstream classrooms.

Daniel blossomed when he heard music playing so she made sure to include music daily in the class room. “It really brought him out.” In addition to playing favorite children’s songs like “The Wheels on the Bus,” the teachers encourage the children to make their own music; spilling out buckets of instruments and even including pots and pans. They learn rhythm even through free play, Sally tells me.

Music is just way one to bring the children at Serenity Place out of their shells. It’s not the only way. That’s why it’s important, Sally says, to include activities daily that are geared towards each child’s preference.

During her time working at Serenity Place, Sally has worked in the infant room, the toddler room, and the preschool room. The toddler room is by far her favorite because every single thing is a learning experience. The children get the experience of finding out glue is sticky, that mixing colors creates a new one. “It’s not so much about the name of colors, but experiencing different materials,” she says. “They get to learn about different textures—sponges, brushes, fingers…”

Sally explains two different processes for creativity used in the toddler classroom. The first is teacher guided, where the end result, or the product, is more important. The second is much more oriented around the process—what the kids discover through music, art, and free time—how they put their imagination to work.

The structure of the classroom and the attention of the staff truly help the children flourish. Though they’ve been exposed to so much, they are much more resilient than adults. They learn to trust and they learn to cope. They learn that red and blue makes purple, that pots and pans can be musical instruments. They learn to use their imaginations and be themselves.

According to Sally, working in the toddler room is really rewarding and really challenging, but most importantly, she really loves it!

*Name has been changed.

Words of Wisdom

This morning at The Academy we celebrated our 11th graduation of 2011. It's such a privilege to participate in the graduations and see how the boys evolve over a course of about three months. My favorite part, though, is hearing the peers and staff speak to the graduate individually, offering feedback, tough love, and words of support and encouragement.

Lately, the boys have taken to writing poems or other comments for their peers. I wanted to share one of the poems read this morning...

Words of Wisdom

Your time has come and now it's done,

It's time to shoot and aim for the sun.

You've reached your point where success has reached,

Now go back home and prepare to teach.

Teach society what you have learned

and how you have made it and don't plan to return.

I'm not preachin' so don't call me a preacha,

I will miss you and happy early Easter.

Being vs. Doing

Just a few minutes ago I received an email from a new volunteer, Autumn, saying that her first volunteer experience was a success and she was looking forward to getting involved on a regular basis. Music to my ears! I love to connect with and get to know our volunteers, but I love connecting them to experiences that make them feel like they fit.

Autumn signed up to help with childcare at Serenity Place, but I emailed her before hand to let her know that I often get emails from volunteers saying something along the lines of, "The children are so adorable and fun, but I connected with the mothers more than I expected. They told me all about their story and I just felt like I needed to be a listening ear for them."

Autumn's email this morning echoed those sentiments, but she phrased it in a different way. She wrote, "I did end up talking to moms more than I babysat, as you said. When I left, I mentioned to Sarah (a staff member) that I felt as if I didn't actually do a lot..."

I loved this. I strive to make a distinction in my own life between doing and being. In our culture, there is so much emphasis on doing and productivity. Sometimes we forget to be. It's equally important to just be present.

Our mothers and children at Serenity Place have been through a lot. They have experienced a lot of abuse and neglect and the moms and children alike need to feel loved and feel like someone cares about them. They need someone to be present and just listen.

I'm often surprised when volunteers tell me that the mothers converse so much, because the women spend about 50 hours a week in intensive counseling. They talk a lot. To me, it says a lot about our quality of volunteers if the mothers choose to talk to them even after all of that.

So whether you're interested in doing or being, come spend some time with us!

Call Kelly at 467.3944 to learn more about volunteering with The Family Effect.

New Year, New Slate

Regardless of how you feel about New Year’s Resolutions or if you resolve to change something yourself, it’s hard to deny there is something really exciting about a new year and a chance at a fresh start. It produces an adrenaline rush of sorts. It’s exciting to look back and evaluate the past year and decide what philosophies and habits to cling to, and what could be tossed out or exchanged for something new.

Experts spend a lot of time philosophizing on how to make resolutions and keep them. There seem to be three important steps to success: you need to know why you pick a specific resolution, you need to make a plan to keep it, and you need accountability. So while people may make resolutions year round, in January most of us are buzzing about our plans to be a better person. It’s great to say it out loud so your friends and family can keep you in check.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Why is the crew at The Family Effect schooling me on New Year’s resolutions?” Because around here, we’re all about clean slates. Every day of the year, we help our mothers and teenagers kick bad habits that diminish themselves, their families, and our community. We help them focus and find motivation for staying clean, we help them make a plan to achieve their goals and equip them with tools and support networks to be successful.

Our staff provides incredible insight and guidance for our families, but community support from volunteers and donors is vital to make the success last. Please resolve to offer support and encouragement to our families and kids at Serenity Place or The Academy this year, and watch them accomplish their goals. You just might find that giving your time and energy provides you with all kinds of satisfaction, and not just the kind you get from checking something off your list.

To learn more about volunteering, mentoring, or donating please contact Kelly Byers at 864.467.3944.

Happy Holidays!

Speechless. Overjoyed. Moved beyond belief. Amazed.

Those are just a few of the words to describe the way we are feeling at The Family Effect this week. And it’s all because of a little Facebook post.

Just two weeks ago we were fretting about how to provide the children and mothers at Serenity Place with a good Christmas. We didn’t have anyone on the docket to provide gifts for our residents. We reached out through Facebook asking if anybody could provide anything to make their Christmas great, and the response has been overwhelming!

It’s likely that our clients are going to have the best Christmas ever. Our children at Serenity Place are all receiving beautiful stockings, toys galore, new winter coats, and lots of clothes to keep them warm. Our mom’s are all receiving gift cards, and new comforters for their rooms. They are even getting their own special visit from Santa Claus!

We are so fortunate to live in a community that truly values families. Thanks for everyone’s generosity and contribution to our mission especially at this time of year. The gifts and presence of our community is sure to make this holiday a special one, especially as many of our residents can’t spend the special day with their families.

A special thank you to Dabo and Kathleen Swinney and the All-In Team Foundation, Lisa Seal, Turner Padget Graham and Laney, Lisa Dantzler and the Rose Hammond Circle at Advent United Methodist Church, Five Forks Baptist Church, Teri McCord and Nancy Jaramillo, and Michael and Melanie Fee!

Giving Thanks

This morning we celebrated the sixteenth graduation from the Academy, our residential treatment program for teenage boys. It’s hard to believe that since our opening in May, we’ve had sixteen young men successfully complete the program. There are several traditions that have already developed during the graduation ceremonies at the Academy: a gift is passed around and each peer, counselor, and visitor has a chance to offer words of encouragement or wisdom to the graduate; we mingle and sign a shirt for the graduate to take with them; we form a line reminiscent of Soul Train and sing to the boy as he exits; and finally we strike a singing bowl one time for each graduate who has passed before. Today there were sixteen chimes. As time progresses and more and more adolescents successfully complete the program, we all wonder if this tradition will continue when we are up to 200 chimes.

Thanksgiving, and subsequently the end of the year, often elicits contemplation and gratitude, and even practicing traditions of our own. As I sat with our group of sixteen teenage boys this morning, in what was the funniest graduation thus far, I couldn’t help but slip into this mindset myself. Every time I visit the Academy, or Serenity Place, I become even more attached to the people we serve. I’m blessed that my job allows me to build relationships with amazing people and be part of this chapter of their lives. Yesterday, I spent the day in the infant room at Serenity Place feeding and rocking babies and watching the mothers come pick up their children at the day’s end. It’s amazing and exciting to see growth in them as individuals, but especially as mothers. This morning, I laughed and danced with the guys at the Academy, made up a secret handshake with one of them, got asked by one enthusiastic teen to help him start a garden at his own house when he graduates, and had guys promise they’d knit me a hat and scarf... all before 10 am.

Sounds super fun, right? It is. Oh my gosh, it is. However, my gratefulness isn’t void of complexity. I struggle with the fact that I meet these beautiful people only because they have been battling serious addiction and other hardships. I hate that this is such a prevalent problem in our community. I cherish my time with the moms, kids, and teens at our facilities and I grow really attached to them. Sometimes I even forget why they are here in the first place; I have to remind myself that we aren’t at summer camp, but in fact at a residential treatment facility. I forget that some of our teenage boys were introduced to drugs or alcohol at the age of 7, and I forget that some have been neglected or abused. They seem like such happy, normal teenage boys. They play football, they crochet (maybe not so normal for teenage boys, but it’s a great therapeutic activity for them), they go on field trips, they know all the latest hip hop sings, they are turned off by vegetables, etc.

Watching them graduate is so bittersweet. Of course I’m ecstatic for them to begin new chapters of their lives, but I know it means I probably won’t be seeing them again. I even have to force myself to hope I don’t, because I want better for them and I don’t want them to end up back here. Earlier I mentioned what it would be like to hear 200 chimes at our graduations. It certainly makes me ponder. It makes me wish away addiction and all of the negative stuff that comes along with it. Then I pinch myself and I remember that’s not likely. So while I’m sad that that many children and families may need our services, I’m so thankful that programs like Serenity Place and the Academy do exist to provide the necessary treatment and support to make sure that the clients we serve will be sitting with their families next year giving thanks and celebrating traditions, or even making new ones.

So, a BIG thanks to all of our supporters who make this work possible! Happy Thanksgiving!

If you’d like to take a tour of the Academy or Serenity Place, or participate in an exciting graduation, please call 864-467-3944.

Cause + Effect

You've seen the shocking numbers, and now you want to know why.

Why can't 5,000 Greenville children live with their parents?

Why are 2,400 Greenville families torn apart by domestic assaults every year?

Why are 1,300 children in Greenville neglected or abused every year?

If you were asked who is your greatest support network, who ensured you got a good education, who provided for you, and who nurtured you and made you who you are today; chances are your answer would be your parents. That's how it is for most people. But for 5,000 children in Greenville, parents just aren't a part of their daily lives. These kids have been forced from their homes at an early age, to live with other relatives, in the foster care system, or in group facilities. Why? Well, our research tells us that addiction in the home is responsible for most of these collapsed families. Addicted parents can't parent, and the children are put at severe risk.

When we talk to non-profit and government professionals who are working on the front lines to glue these families back together, they tell us that 65-80% of Greenville's child neglect and abuse, domestic assault, and social services caseload is generated from homes where addiction is present The problem is a huge drain on resources, and unfortunately, the numbers haven't been improving.

Even after the bruises fade, children in our community are left with severe emotional and behavioral issues that affect their abilities to connect with and trust others, they are ill-prepared for the classroom and quickly fall behind, and they are more likely to become part of the pattern. Most adults who abuse their children were victims of abuse and children of addicts are four times more likely to become addicts themselves.

You can help break the cycle. Join The Family Effect in working to reduce addiction as a leading cause of family collapse and harm to children. We're working on this problem at its roots...in homes where children and addiction are present, but the family hasn't yet come apart. Your support can help us continue to provide outstanding services to those who need them most.

One of the easiest and most effective ways for you to help is to spread the word. Use the "share" tools to post this message to your Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or other social network.

Thank you for your support.

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